Talk About Putting Your Personal Business Online......

I can't believe that a picture of my real-life junk drawer was something for which I'd ever find artistic use; but somehow, it seemed just perfect for this particular blog.

What's This Junk In The Junk Drawer?

Sometimes I get in the mood to try write something, and it ends up turning into a whole lot more writing than I planned. I'll start writing, writing more, and then end up being interrupted, needing to do some "real work", or else just getting tired and having to stop.

My problem with this kind of thing is, though, that if I get on a roll when writing, and then if I stop (for one reason or another), I tend to lose interest. Some new thing to be spinning my wheels about comes along, and I'll start the whole process again. I reassure myself that it's not ADHD, because I'll often write for hours (not necessarily all at once, although I've been known to do the all-at-one-time kind of things too), truly believing I'm getting closer and closer to completing a piece of writing that will be really worthwhile. And then I never quite build up the same level of steam on the subject that I've had at the time I began writing.

Material on this site isn't stuff I'd recommend reading, because it won't be the least bit satisfying. Some of it goes on and on with all kinds of points to ponder - only to just stop short. It's horrible, and I shouldn't have it online.

Here's why I do: I need all these scraps and bits of writing in one place, where (if I do decide to go back and finished them) I can select from one post or another, and do whatever needs to be done to finish them. As it is, all this mish-mosh of stuff is everywhere - in my PC, on SD cards, on flash drivers, and on and on.

As with any junk drawer, I may or may not later have a use for whatever is found in this one. In my online-writing efforts, I'm re-organizing and re-thinking a lot of things; so this just seemed like a good idea to me. So, read if you want to - but I don't particularly recommend it.

Of course, everything on this site won't be unfinished. Once I get it started with some of the unfinished stuff, I'll be posting stuff that's actually finished - but that's truly junk (even more junk-ish than the unfinished ramblings I'm posting as starter posts).




Friday, February 18, 2011

Attempt to Answer Parent's Question About An Out-of-Control 4-Year-Old

Since he behaves in school it's not very likely he's a child who can't control the behavior if he wants to. Chances are there are a few different things at play here (although I can only guess what they may be).

Chances are you haven't managed to come across to him with a calm, but "take-it-for-granted-I'm-in-charge", demeanor. That comes from having a "middle ground" voice that is neither too sweet and "baby-talk-ish" or one that is loud and yelling. Kids respect parents most when parents are nice to them but come across as "the leader". If parents establish themselves as a "kind leader" who tells right from wrong but who is also interested in the child's needs, kids tend to behave better for them. It's kind of like building a foundation on which all "encounters" will be built.

Part of that foundation also, though, has to include pleasant time alone with the child, with the chance for you to talk calmly about your expectations of him, as well as "how nice people act". There should be regular talks about this kind of thing, but they should just be about how people should act in general and what the benefits are for being calm and treating others with respect. This kind of conversation is a good chance to state - on no uncertain terms - "I don't yell at you, and I don't call you bad names; and you are not going to yell at me or call me bad words either. People at home love you more than anybody in the world does, and that is not how we treat the people who loves us."

I'm wondering if he's around older kids. Not only do older kids make a "great example" of how to talk with disrespect (because they can be talk really disrespectfully to littler kids), but they (or anyone who talks with disrespect to a small child) can create a bad cycle of the little kid's feeling bad, feeling mistreated, and acting out in anger. Also, little kids can get particularly frustrated if they try to keep up with older ones, if older ones continually frustrate them, and/or if adults don't seem to notice that they need some positive attention and a break from the frustration.

Also, a child who never, ever, gets what he wants may have a "low frustration tolerance point" and be more likely to be absolutely angry and frustrated if he can't get what he wants. When it comes to what you let him have and not have, ask yourself if you need to pick your battles, based on how important something is; and once in a while give him some of the minor things he may want. I'm not saying give in to him all the time. If, by any chance, this is part of the problem, let him know you are the one who decides what he gets and what he doesn't; but sometimes parents just won't let a child do/have anything he wants, and that can make him think, "Why bother trying to please this person who never lets me do/have anything." Certainly, don't give in on the important things; but maybe ask if you refuse a few too many less important things he wants. (Not saying you are, only mentioning one possible problem.) I'm just wondering if he feels that somebody (a parent or older sibling) is "ordering him around", because children often really do "learn what they live". (As in Dorothy Law Nolte's poem, "Children Learn What They Love" :) )

What may work is having yet another of those calm, pleasant, but "leader" talks; and saying something like, "We are not going to have yelling and kicking things when something is bothering you. If you are unhappy or angry tell me, and we'll try to figure out how to make you feel happy again. We won't have yelling, though, and if you do yell at me then I won't buy you one single thing when we got out, and you will know why. And, if you yell at me or kick anything I will take away your (favorite activity here) until you tell me you are sorry and won't do it again." Since you haven't managed to make the naughty chair effective I wouldn't keep using it. Whatever consequences you dole out must be effective, because he has now become used to not letting anything "get to him".

If there are others in the house who talk to him without respect tell them they cannot do it. He's a very little boy and may need some kind of "protection" from anything he perceives as "mistreatment" or frustration of older people. If he thinks you'll protect him from being treated poorly by others (even in small ways that nobody realizes is as hurtful/frustrating to a small child as they may be) he'll be yet that much more interested in "working with you" on learning the right way "nice people act".

Tell him (in a calm, authoritative, but kind way) that anyone who demands will get nothing. Asking nicely is "what nice people do". Don't give in to any demands, but don't let anyone else demand anything of him either.

Hope some of these things helps. (Also, try not to look at, say, a week's worth of his behavior and start seeing him as a "naughty" kid. Deal with, and view, each incident on a case by case basis; and try to let negative views of him color all your interactions or your relationship with him.) When a little, tiny, child like he acts up most of the time it means there's something underneath that makes him generally feel frustrated, "at loose ends" and not interested in cooperating with others. It may also mean, though, that he has learned lack of respect and demanding from someone else and just modeled it (without really knowing that's what he's doing).
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