This thing took a direction I hadn't planned on, so I have to come to it at some point and do something with it. For now, it is, as they say, what it is...
I'm not sure they do. They just may complain more, so IF they do it comes out more than it would if they weren't depressed, sort of depressed, or even just miserable-for-good-reason. :/
There's a difference between people who would be diagnosed as actually having depression and people who are struggling with "not being as thrilled with their life as they'd like to be".
This isn't anything most people don't already know, but real depression ranges from mild on up. Feeling hopeless is one symptom. A person who has real depression, and who expresses his feelings of hopelessness, could easily (if someone doesn't understand or doesn't listen carefully enough to his words) be viewed as "feeling bad for himself". After all, being hopeless and speaking out of a sense of hopelessness is likely to come across as either depair, lack of fight, or helplessness. People who feel helpless may not technically feel pity for themselves, but they don't come across as feeling in control of their own life and/or having an an upbeat, positive, attitude.
Most of us are more than aware of the value of a "winning attitude", "fight", and positive thinking, and how these approaches to life can conquer a lot of problems and unhappiness. The problem is that life (sometimes in the form of bad luck, but sometimes in the form of other people in the world) can dump things in some people's lives that have nothing to do with positive attitude and thinking, and everything to do with external events/factors. Sometimes we can eliminate those factors. Sometimes we can't. We can fight them with our positive attitudes, and even fight them with our overall "effectiveness as a person"; but sometimes we end up having to live with them, wait them out, and/or finding ourselves exhausted by them.
The point is, the person who is feeling hopeless (and showing it, perhaps after keeping his sense of hopelessness to himself so long it just starts to come out) doesn't have a lot of "mental energy" and comes across as beaten down. When faced with someone else who either says or implies he could develop a "better attitude" and feel better, the hopeless-feeling person is likely to start point out all the things he's tried to do to combat his own unhappiness, only to also keep trying to point out how, no matter how he's tried, it hasn't worked for him. One of these some depressed people often point out is that they have, in fact, tried to get professional help; or have, in fact, tried one anti-depressant or another ("and it didn't work").
And so, there they are - miserable and depressed and hopeless, and wishing that others could understand that it isn't necessarily their "negative attitude" or failure to try to solve their own problems" that has caused their unhappiness. Sometimes in their wish to have others understand that their depression isn't a matter of not having coping skills or not knowing how to use positive attitude or problem-solving skills, the person who feels hopeless (or even just, plain, exhausted and beaten up) can feel "attacked" and/or misunderstood; so he may keep on trying to explain to other people that his unhappiness is truly through not fault, inferior thinking, or weakness of his own.
He may want people to stop saying, or implying, "If I were you I would not allow myself to feel as you do, because I know how to cope and how to fight and how to take charge of my own life, thinking, and problems." For the depressed person the world is full of people who don't understand, and who either try to help but don't understand what he's dealing with, or else just write him off as someone who is somehow inferior or weaker than they (in their infinite ability to managed their own moods and thinking) are.
The depressed person may tend to want a whole lot of other people (the ones who clearly don't understand what he is going through, and all the perfectly capable, sensible, and positive steps he has taken to try to feel better or change his life), often wants someone else to know this: "If you, with all your supremely capable understanding of positive thinking and problem solving, were at all able to have walked long enough in the shoes I'm wearing, you would discover that I was once as supremely capable, and more than adequately aware of the healthiest kind of thinking as you are right now - but the particular road these shoes have walked on has taken its toll on them, just as it would have taken a similar toll on your shoes, had you walked that same road."
Sometimes, the person who comes across as wanting others to see him in a kinder, more sympathetic, light isn't feeling bad for himself or looking for sympathy and pity from others. He just may be looking for something a little kinder than the usual mericiless lack of understanding that can come at depressed people from any number of directions.
The person who has self-respect and self-esteem knows he doesn't deserve to be looked down on (as inferior, weak, or not knowing what he "should do" to help himself) generally knows he's not deserving of some of the thinking he runs into so he may try to explain and help others understand a little better. Even if he's generally angry at a lot of the arrogance, self-righteousness sense-of-superiority, and other inappropriate attitudes he runs into; the depressed person may understand that most of those guilty of such attitudes actually mean well, actually are trying to help, and may even love him. And so, he doesn't show his anger. He chooses instead to calmly try to explain and enlighten, just as a way to get some people to stop "not-understanding". When unhappy people try to explain, or voice what's bothering them, in a way that doesn't express anger; it can come out like 'whining" - and even when talk isn't really "whining", what sounds like whining usually also sounds like self-pity.
Then there are people like me - People who may or may not have some mild depression but are generally "dealing with something that makes me them wonder if it's depression, or 'just physical or emotional exhaustion'".
I'm actually dealing with something that I've often wondered about, as far as whether it's depression or not. It doesn't match the symptoms, but it sure feels "depressing" to me. :lol: I do have symptoms of adrenal fatigue (which is often even misdiagnosed by doctors as depression). My thing is a long-term (and I mean LONG-term) situation has me fed up and exhausted, and there are times I'm not sure the emotional exhaustion hasn't turned into depression.
Whether it is "real" mild depression or not, I often talk about it to family or friends, just to try to let them know there's a reason I have some trouble doing some things. I try not to talk about it so often that it sucks the life out of them, and a lot of the times I'm laughing and reasonably happy for the moment. Still, they know I'm dealing with "something".
If there's someone who never feels bad for herself, and who NEVER forgets how lucky she is when it comes to what's important in life, it's me. If/when I ever do complain about something it's never from the standpoint of feeling bad for myself. It's from the standpoint (at least in my situation) of being "majorly P.O'd" at some things some people have done in my life, that have created more problems for me than I otherwise would have had. I can see how someone who doesn't know where I'm coming from would think I'm seeing myself as a "victim" and feeling bad for myself. I'm not feeling bad for myself at all. I'm feeling P.O'd at the person/people who haven't done their job, or haven't done what's right; and as a result, I'm paying for their indifference or inability to do their job right. I suppose the difference is that I'd be equally P.O'd if the same people did the same thing in someone else's life.
I have days when I have enough energy (not as much as is normal for me, but enough), and I have days when filling the salt and pepper shakers seems like a big project to be put off "until I have the energy". It's hard when you're dealing with people who think they'd be better at you than "fighting off depression" if they had a better attitude than you do. I could write the book on positive attitudes; but, you know, after the first 18/20 years of something over which, no matter how effective you are in life in general, you have no control (legal issues - long story that I won't go into here), even someone with a lot of strength and even more positive attitude can wear down.
From what I've read, when we live under stress our adrenal gland sets off a whole process that involves elevated levels of cortisol, which essentially results in our having "enough of what it takes" to be able to keep functioning under such stress. If it goes on too long, eventually, the body's ability to keep coming up with "what it needs, chemicals-wise" to keep going wears down.
Before "The Situation" I'm in ever started, I was someone who managed stress in a way that I don't think it ever had much chance to get that whole physiological-changes thing going. I managed stress on "an intellectual level", which kept it from ever affecting my body for more than a brief time (if that).
For the first several years of being in "The Situation", I could actually feel that I was just kind of running on adrenaline all the time. I was still effective at managing the kind of stress that everyone tends to have in life, and I was even effective at coping with extreme stress (and at times, extreme distress). I was in a "fighting all this" mode, and, boy, did I ever more than keep going. In spite of some very serious matters, and serious loss, going on in my life; I amazed even myself (as people sometimes jokingly say) at how much I was like "The Energizer Bunny" (TM). I was up super-early each morning, got all kinds of routine things done by 9:00 a.m., and accomplished "tons" of other things (for myself and others) on any given day. I got my exercise by walking (sometimes) over 100 miles between Monday and Friday. There were things I certainly wasn't happy about, but, of brother, when it came to having energy I was functioning as if I was "high". I kept that up for years: but not seeing progress with "The Situation", as well as having spin-off complications that resulted from it caused it to be worse then ever, eventually (and little by little) led to my running out of emotional steam. It's probably not accurate to say I "ran out steam" because for a long time I managed to still keep going, keep positive, and keeping being "the real me" in spite of the "steam deficit". I was either still "coming up with at least a little steam", or else running on whatever remained of a once more abundant supply of it. In fact, I still am. There's no doubt, though, that it's more appropriate to compare myself with a car that's "running on fumes" than one with a tank full of fuel. Not only am I still running, but I'm still functioning at a sometimes higher level of energy than a lot of people in the best situations and moods do. The fighter in me has a certain kind of macho about how much I can take without giving up or just shutting down; and - you know what? - whenever I'm feeling particularly beaten down and exhausted, the thing that keeps me going and preserves my self-respect at not seeing evidence of winning my fight is reminding myself of how strong (and sometimes just a little invincible, or at least impossible-to-beat, I can be.
When your inventory of wins is low, not because you haven't played the game right, but because someone else didn't play the game fairly and because the referee or umpire was asleep, incompetent, or else just turned his head; you aren't just dealing with a low inventory of wins. You're dealing with theft of what is rightfully yours. And, when you're dealing with being robbed, you're a victim - no matter how skilled or capable a fighter you've always been. People who are comfortable seeing themselves as "the victim type" don't struggle much with their own self-respect and dignity, and often try to either keep their very real victimization a secret or else talk about only in a "just-the-facts, please" way. Sometimes the thief of someone's "inventory of wins" is life, itself: circumstances and events beyond anyone's control can seem to randomly select who will be robbed, leaving the victim who understands that the robbery was nobody's fault to re-organize and re-build his supply of wins in his inventory.
When it's the weakness, lack of integrity, aggressiveness, and/or stupidity of other human beings that results in the theft can mean more anger for the victim who knows that nobody else has a right to inflict their weakness, lack of integrity, aggressiveness, and/or stupidity into his life (at least to the point where it isn't just aggravating and, instead, amounts to a true theft of wins).
The point is that the person (whose "depression issue" is either mild depression that's related to a situation; or else only looks like depression and is, instead, something like exhaustion) can be facing a more complicated set of circumstances and issues than, perhaps, those of the person whose depression may be more "clinical" or more extreme, but may require more understanding and, in ways, more challenging (at least in terms of other people's understanding).
It's probably more accurate to say that with people who have the kind of situational "mild depression, extreme emotional exhaustion, or whatever it is" that I do, the problem is one that mental-health experts would not see as any mystery; but it's one that "everyone else" in a person's life may find more of a mystery than a more "full-fledged" depression.
Here's a problem for people with the kind of depression/exhaustion I have can face:
Assuming this person is one with a lot of common sense, understanding of healthy thinking and positive attitude, emotional strength, and great coping skills; if this person shows up at a psychiatrist's office there's not a lot of talking and analysis that is going to help. The person may already have people he can "just talk to" about what he's going through. In fact, a person with good enough skills may, in ways, be his own therapist as well. If this person were to explain the situation that is causing him problems, and if it's a situation that is clearly one he cannot do anything about it; a therapist isn't going to be able to come up with any tips for changing the situation any more than the individual, himself, has been able to.
Although I, personally, have not seen a therapist, only because I've already pondered the possible ways one could help; I'm assuming that the only way a doctor could help me feel better would be to prescribe medications that might possibly, eventually, and with the possibility of side-effects, alter my brain chemicals in a way that could potentially make me feel happier. I have no idea if such medicatons would helpful, but I don't want an "artificial happiness" with potential side-effects. Besides, I suspect medications wouldn't be so effective that they'd magically make me immune to an extreme and unusual situation that no normal person could remain completely happy with for very long.
I have trouble getting down a glass of wine; so even if resorting to this were sometimes I'd consider trying, it wouldn't be possible for me: From what I've heard, getting "good and drunk enough" can help a person be happier with life for a little while. That's no option for me, but I think that (or else powerful opiates) is the only kind of substance that might make me happy without having my situation change.
I've considered "just trying" anti-depressants (as long as I don't see any immediate end to the situation that's causing me unhappiness), but my common sense tells me the chances they'd help aren't great; and when it comes down to it, I'm just not willing to risk side-effects in an attempt to "fix me", when it's my situation that needs the fixing. So, as much and as often as I've wondered if I ought to just set up an appointment and see if there's any way a therapist could help me; I keep coming around to the same belief - the only thing a therapist could do would be to prescribe anti-depressants (and if one didn't work, to prescribe yet another). I guess I have way too much self-esteem to want to risk physical side-effects for something with external causes (especially when those external causes aren't a matter of "something nobody can do anything about", and are, instead, something the very people who created the situation could and should change - even it would take a win in the court system to make that happen.
I know there are people who think I'm a little too married to the idea of avoiding side-effects, and who don't seem to grasp the difference between risking side-effects when there's nothing else anyone could do, and risking them because the person/people who could do something just won't/don't.
It isn't as if I'm not living my life while I have this situation, and these struggles with energy and concentration problems. Lots of times I find ways to work around the concentration problems, or at least only do things that require concentration in my better moments. The energy challenges are something else I've found a lot of ways to work around or deal with a good part of the time. It's just that I am at the mercy of when those better moments are, and whether or not an energy challenge is something I'm able to work around, work with, or overcome at any given time.
The people around me tend to have three different schools-of-thought:
1. "Just demand that.....". Well, I'm dealing with the court system and lawyers who must work within it, and within laws that limit what they can and can't do. There is no "just demanding" when it comes to some legal matters.
2. "Accept that whatever has gone on has gone on, and you have to just get on with life." The fact is, I have gotten on with life to the extent that anyone could get on with life within the limitations of my present situation and legal matters. The fact that I can only get on with life up to a point goes back to the fact that I can't "just demand" and I'm not willing to "just accept" something that is illegal, violates my rights, and, in general, should not be accepted by anyone but a schmuck who is willing to be mistreated by people who mean nothing to them.
3. "Find a way to overcome the fact that the situation exists, and get yourself out of the situation." This is the one that really irritates the heck out of me, because this is the one the involves someone who doesn't have a clue about what I've done/tried to extract myself from the situation; and wait for it to be resolved from a place outside of it.
When I've run into this third kind of thinking I've used this example: "Imagine if someone came in here and tied your hands behind your back, and then tied you to that chair you're sitting in, in a way that made it impossible for you to get out of the chair. Imagine trying and trying, using all kinds of approaches, to no avail. Now imagine having someone say to you, 'Just get yourself out of it. Nobody is going to do it for you.'"
Of the people who think I ought to "just accept" the situation, there are two reasons they think I should: 1. Apparently, they think I ought to accept something that I know they, themselves, would not accept for themselves. 2. They are people who are willing to accept what shouldn't be accepted because they're passive.
And so, I live with the "depression/exhaustion" issue going on within me, and affecting the way I do some things; and The Situation going on around me, while also affecting my life in ways that are more personal than many legal situations might. As time has gone, and as the situation has either remained as bad or worsened; my energy resources have become more and more drained, which means as the challenges to them have grown, the supply of them has diminished.
Now, do I feel bad for myself? No. As I said, I'm "P.O'd". I'm angry at the people who have created the situation, know about it, and won't do anything about it. I could overlook or forgive some things if the people who did them owned up and did what needed to be done to clear up the situation that continues to affect my life. I'm also angry at having to deal with people who offer me tips on things I "ought to be doing" or "better attitudes" I could (like, for example, accepting and being willing to sweep under the rug screw-ups that have had such long-term, and far-reaching, consequences for me and my family). I'm angry at running into the thinking of people who don't have a clue, who believe that they, in their infinite wisdom, would never have allowed themselves to get into the situation in which I find myself.
I've asked myself just letting all anger go would make me happier; but the answer to that is that it would not. Here's why: I'm not someone who needs to win battles that, within the scheme of life, aren't all that important. I am, however, someone who needs to win battles that, when fought fairly by me, have been battles for which I'd have had that win had I not been robbed of it by the unscrupulous. "Just letting go of the anger" would be far more depressing for me than using that anger as a way to keep fighting, keep up at least some degree of "steam", and not being so beaten and deflated as to end up feeling like a used rug on which an awful lot of people wipe their feet (or else dance).
Besides, my anger is as much as part of me as the fact that I'm a mother; because the situation of which I write is one that involves my children's having been, and continuing to be, hurt by strangers who don't give a rat's rear-end about them. No normal mother in the world is going to willing or able to "just let the anger go" when someone's cruelty and/or indifference has hurt, and continues to hurt, her children.
No, I'm not one to feel bad for myself. I'm one to be P.O'd on my own behalf, and not one to be willing to let it go
To be continued at some point, I suppose (or not)...
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